I chose this image of our pup Cloud because it had nothing to do with anything I was about to write. I am grumpy and wanted to choose an image that was nice to offset my grumpiness. He found a pair of my pants and curled up with his face on them and I thought that was awfully sweet.
I am currently grumpy due to an especially unfortunate stretch of my already not great chronic illness. This is day five of waking up feeling particularly miserable and having to take my heavy duty meds. Yuck. I try very hard to keep a decent attitude but, as I am human and fallible, sometimes I fail at this.
A little over a month ago, I started what I called Operation: Get Outside in which I made a goal of going to the dog park each morning with Cloud for a couple of hours. My goal was to make it at least three weeks without missing a day, as that is how long it takes to form a habit.
No matter how I’ve been feeling, I’ve managed to get us to the park each morning. That may not sound like much to some folks, but, for me, it’s been a huge deal. I’ve yet to miss a day (excepting Wednesdays when the park isn’t open and Cloud is at camp anyway), and that’s something I can be proud of. The past several days, I’ve still managed to go, but it’s been rough. I love being outside with Cloud, but it can be very difficult when moving at all causes searing pain.
The other day, as I was laying on the couch trying to will the discomfort away, I wondered what it must be like for healthy people. What must it be like to wake up and feel okay? What must it be like to not have to worry that, at any moment, you might have to scrap all your plans for the day because your system says NOPE? What must it be like not to hurt almost all the time?
I honestly have no idea.
Over the twenty plus years I’ve had this nonsense, I’ve seen dozens of doctors and specialists. I’ve tried myriad treatments (all to little or no avail), and gotten my hopes up and dashed repeatedly. I keep on going and I keep on trying but, sometimes, it’s hard to keep a positive attitude about it.
The times when the grumpiness takes over, I feel like I’ve failed, somehow. And, yesterday, I realized that’s crap. My positive attitude has far outweighed the occasional grumpiness I experience. I am through beating myself up over the rare days when I am feeling less than positive. I have many expectations of myself, and not all of them are reasonable.
I’m not sure exactly what I’m saying here. I guess I’m saying I’m not going to put the added pressure on myself of feeling like I have to hold it together all the time.
My doctors consider me disabled due to the severity of my illness. There is a significant part of me that is weary of always feeling broken. I know there is a chance I may never be the traditional definition of healthy, and that’s hard. I will continue to try to be positive as often as I can.
But, during weeks like this one, if I have grumbles, so be it. The grumbles are transient. But I keep on trucking.