There’s no doubt about it: I love Overwatch. When I’m not playing Overwatch, I’m thinking about Overwatch, and, even as I write this, I’d rather be playing Overwatch.

No offense.

Last night, I was making a priority of trying out new characters to get more proficient with various play styles. I’ve finally found a support main (Zenyatta), and my offense mains are Soldier 76, and Genji (to counter any pesky Bastions that come up).

But, as I was getting supremely frustrated at my team of (mostly) random players, I realized a few things.

One: So many players out there seem entirely unconcerned with the objective at hand. I often wish I could somehow telegraph to them that we should push that payload, take that point, etc., and yet, I often find myself the only, or one of the only, players doing so.

Arrrggghhh.

Two: I may not have been playing online multiplayer games my entire life (or even a decent portion of my life), but, in the case of Overwatch, I think my analytical nature helps me immeasurably. If there is a Junkrat spamming grenades, I know Pharah can disrupt him. If there is a mad rush for a point my team is holding and I need to defend it (and my team), Torbjorn is my go-to.

A friend of mine equated Overwatch to a very fast game of chess, and I can’t argue that point. It’s ever-changing, and it’s a rush.

So, last night, as I was realizing the game brings out the best in my analytical nature, I also realized it brings out the worst in my attitude. I get petty and snarky about dumb crap, and it’s not my best look. I don’t want to be that person, yet she peeks her snarky self out and it happens before I can try to reel her in.

In the instances of my team (which, to be fair, I can only communicate with one person of, my co-op partner) failing to work towards the objective (whatever it may be), I get super frustrated. Like, swearing like an idiot frustrated. Last night, I was about ready to spaz out because match after match felt like it was going nowhere. And, judging from the amount of times I saw the word “DEFEAT” emblazoned on my television, the teams I was on really did go nowhere.

The other thing, and this is completely petty so bear with me, is that one of my regular co-op partners (the one I more frequently team up with) is exceptionally good at online multiplayer games. I’m always genuinely happy for his performance, but, as match after match goes by and he gets the “Play of the Game” and ends up on the voting screen (again), I start to get stupidly jealous. I know he is a good player, and I know I’ve gotten PotG a few times, myself, but I get unintentionally quiet and seethe that I’m not better and that it’s not me up there.

I still vote for him when he comes up on the results screen (if he is there and I am not), and I’m glad for him that he does so well, but the sad little jerk inside me struggles to be gracious.

I am the worst.

I almost see Overwatch as a learning experience about myself; I hope to get better at my strategy, as well as better with my ‘tude. I can only hope to improve on both fronts. And I just might end up a better person for it