Confusion

blue question marks

I love video games. I love connecting with people. I have found writing to be a unique medium, particularly for someone like myself who has not historically had much luck with being heard in reality.

I’d be a fool not to see the connections there.

I can still remember the first person I told (out loud) that I wanted to write about video games for a living. That particular person (a gamer) actually laughed in my face. It was sort of uncomfortable as they realized (in stages) that I wasn’t kidding, and the rest of the conversation was awkward at best.

I’ve had similar responses from many people, for various reasons. I very recently had someone roll their eyes at me when I told them I write about video games…and that person plays video games.

The reasons I initially wanted to write about games are varied and run the gamut from simple (I love connecting people to games and starting discussions) to less so (wanting to be heard), but in the past couple of months I’ve seen that perhaps this playing field might not be for me.

It’s not one thing. It never is. But I’ve felt a strangeness brewing. I know there is adversity in nearly everything. You won’t always hear back from places you apply. You won’t always get your work seen. You won’t always be on a winning streak. You won’t always be making friends and you won’t always be the belle of the ball.

But I’ve recently begun to see what it would take to be a professional writer, and I have to say, I’m not sure it’s the path for me.

I had very specific goals when I started this website and began writing. I created a schedule and I never deviated from it, holidays and illnesses be damned. I’m proud of that consistency. I’m proud of coming up with content three times a week, and I’m exceedingly proud of the times I’ve written a piece that has started a conversation among others.

I’m grateful for each and every person who has read anything I’ve written. It’s sort of amazing, really, that of all the places you could be on the internet, you’ve ended up here, reading this. I give you my heartfelt thanks. You’ve made all the time and effort worth it.

I’m not sure exactly what I’m saying here. But I’m also not sure I’m necessarily cut out to write about video games in the way I thought I was. I hope I’m wrong, but in the meantime, this is my confusion and honesty.

I will be back here on Friday with actual game writing. Between now and then I’m all set for a mental tidy.

Thank you, folks, for being you, and being here. It means a ridiculous amount to me.

19 replies »

  1. I love reading what you write. I love to hear you. And by that I mean your thoughts, your heart, and your voice! It’s wonderful!!!

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  2. I’m not sure the size of the mastodon that’s staring you down, but, may I humbly suggest you go Far Cry Primal on its arse. And, with the help of some of your friends, (gamers & writers alike.) Have it drawn & quartered, roasting over an open fire before sunset.
    You have a voice! I for one enjoy reading your blog. Your thoughts, and, insights are informative, and appropriately humorous.
    This place isn’t dry or boring like an old text book, or poorly translated some assembly required furniture piece.
    This is You. Your thoughts.Your voice. Please keep it up until it doesn’t make you happy any more.
    That’s my 02 cents.
    Steve

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    • One: thank you. I’m glad I can amuse and inform in a way unlike an Ikea manual.

      Two: I liked your analogy.

      Three: I liked your advice.

      Four: I wish I could finish The Witcher so I could actually PLAY my copy of Far Cry Primal. It’s just sitting there…waiting.

      Five: It means a lot that you enjoy reading anything I write. Thank you.

      Six: Hug.

      Seven: Another hug for good measure.

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  3. The disillusionment! I’ve been there, it’s a thing. Don’t be afraid of it – you just stare it down, reassess your surroundings, and become as informed as you can looking both outward and inward.

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    • I’m not afraid of it, I’m aware of it. And I, too, have been in the disillusionment. For months now. But I’m glad you’ve come out of yours seemingly solid and full of knowledge.

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  4. I’ve read your blog twice, not sure what it was that is making you a bit sad. I’m so sorry however for whatever has made you feel as if this writing might not be for you.
    We haven’t met that long ago, but your articles are always a must read for me. I love how we play such different games, and how your have this humor shining though! I don’t know about the path to professional writer, I can imagine that’s a bit daunting. But know that you have a lot of fans for your writings out there.

    Don’t lose faith, you are good at this, really! Don’t listen to all the negative people, there are always those around.

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    • I feel the same way about you (even though I am so behind on reading and communication, in general). I am entirely glad we “met” and I love reading what you write.

      I’m trying to just keep going, and I am, but I’m in struggletown for sure. I hope to find my way out sooner than later.

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      • I hope you’ll find your way too. I know you’ve been writing much longer then I have, so this might sound presumptuous. But if there’s anything I can do to help a bit, let me know. Maybe to brainstorm or something like that, it often helps to have someone to share your thoughts with, even if the other isn’t at your level of gaming or writing, lol. 😊

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      • I actually think you’ve had your site longer…? I’m unsure. Either way, I entirely appreciate your offer. Honestly? You help by being you and writing and being present and loving games. I think loving games unites us, no matter which we choose to play.

        Anyway, thank you, truly.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I think even though you are confused now, this post shows your great courage and perseverance in achieving something you’ve always wanted to do. From having someone laughing in your face to having an audience and people that care about your writing, that’s something pretty incredible in my opinion. Although the future may be uncertain, this post proclaims a great feat that has been overcome. I’m proud and encouraged by knowing you.

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