I may be in the minority on this, but I’m never fond of the holiday season. Basically, all the good stuff caps at Halloween, then it’s a slog to January.

I know a lot of people love this season. I know a lot of people love the holidays.

I’m just not one of them.

I don’t often talk about this because I don’t want anyone to think I’m sh*tting on their good time (I’m sincerely glad when people find enjoyment in anything that doesn’t hurt others). But, this time of year is difficult for me, and, each day, I just keep reminding myself it’s almost January.

Almost there. Almost there. ALMOST THERE.

I don’t care for New Year’s. Nothing inherently changes when the calendar flips. A new year doesn’t mean anything unless we make it mean something. I’m not into new year’s resolutions, but I’m glad when people find ways to improve themselves. I’m all for resolutions at any time of year, and if the push of a new one is the catalyst for some, then I am glad for that. But I feel like a lot of pressure gets heaped on New Year’s.

I can always breathe a cosmic sigh of relief when the calendar says January 2nd.

This time of year turns every electronic device into an emotional time bomb with messages, calls, or texts. Obligatory “Merry Christmas!” messages from family members who never want to communicate otherwise.

I was in bed resting the other day and a phone call came in. I was half awake but just seeing the display made me hurt and I pushed the phone away from me.

PLS NO

Typically at this time of year, we are up visiting my partner’s family (who I love), and being around them makes it Christmas for me. This year we weren’t able to go up, so things have been even more disparate.

I’ve been revisiting all the old “I am restless and uncomfortable and my anxiety is in overdrive and my depression is in overdrive” standbys: eating like crap and buying things I don’t really need. This year I’ve been doing a lot better about the latter (out of necessity), but the pull is there.

The food situation would be laughable if it weren’t also making me physically sick. The other night I was drinking sparkling rose grape juice (the non-alcoholic kind), and I decided to not only eat an entire bag of popcorn (with butter) but also a ton of circus peanuts (which I love). I feel like that combination would be easy to spot as a bad idea at 2am, but I didn’t and just kept going and I honestly thought I was going to hurl in the morning. I couldn’t even get myself to eat anything other than a protein shake. I wound up sleeping for like six hours in the middle of the day because my system was so upset at me.

This is all a reminder to practice self-care (something I’m not terribly good at), and to be mindful of my worst triggers. I know January is less than a week away and I know I will ultimately be fine, albeit about as uncomfortable as can be. I keep reminding myself I’m almost there, almost past all these things, and that I’ve made it through another heavy holiday season; in theory, I am stronger than I was before.

I’m hopeful.

And I’m really looking forward to January.