Nice

Sometimes I get tired of being nice. Sometimes I don’t feel like being nice.

This is a problem when I am generally nice by nature.

When you are nice, dumb things happen. You try to do things for others. You try to be there for others. You try to inject positivity where possible, but it doesn’t always balance out.

A lot of times it doesn’t balance out.

Something happened a few months back that threw me more than it should have. I’ve hesitated talking about it for whatever reason, but I still don’t know why.

Someone, someone who I considered a friend no less, someone who I’d never had so much as a negative word with, blocked me on Facebook. Okay, things like that happen. But I found out they blocked me because they felt I was consistently negative and was taking a toll on their mental health.

That messed with me.

I started asking myself the potentially difficult questions: am I too negative? Am I a drain on the mental health of others?

This got tricky because I always try to be positive for others, particularly online. I am always trying to do what I can, when I can, for others. I have been made fun of for being sincere and genuine (I’m not sorry for those two things at all). In the internet age of snark, I’d far rather go another way. It’s incredibly difficult to read tone online; when in doubt: I ask. This has lead to a lot of responses with the words “LOL” and “sarcasm” in them, but, again, I’d rather ask and clarify than assume anything.

I feel I’m often the one who is reaching out, who is trying to do thoughtful things, who is trying to be understanding of others’ situations.

I feel like most other people don’t think of me at all until they are reminded I exist.

I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle, that’s just how it feels sometimes.

I’ve been in an increasingly terrible mood and have become weary of so many things. I feel ignored by so many people, people I’d consider friends. I feel unimportant to people, generally. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn’t try to do nice things for people, would anyone like me at all? I don’t do those things to be liked, but sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I didn’t do them and had never done them.

Part of me wants to say F*CK IT ALL, but the other part of me, the inherently (hopefully) kind part of me, takes over. I feel hurt by things that have happened recently, far more than the blocking nonsense. I only ever try to be kind but there are still people who don’t like me. I don’t need them to, nor do I want to put forth any effort to win them over (I think that would be the definition of futile), I’m just trying to reconcile it. I happen to live in a heavily tourist town, and many people come to the area, people who are friends, people who are like family, yet almost universally no one wants to get together. No one wants to take the time. Most of the time, they don’t even mention they will be here and it isn’t until later I find out.

That feels real bad.

I’ve had people basically say, it will be great to see you later! Not now! And that dredges up some old, old soreness of the heart. It feels bad. It makes me want to shut myself off.

And it happens fairly frequently.

There are people who post things about reaching out to those who need it. I’ve never been one to beat around the bush; the times I really need interaction, I will flat out ask for it. And where are those people? The people who are always singing the praises of reaching out?

Who knows.

I assume I’m generally unlikable and, honestly, I really believe it. I think the only things I have going for me are trying to engage people and being supportive of others. I have generally come to believe almost no one is actually interested in me as a person. This isn’t a passive aggressive plea to get people to say nice things about me (I loathe being passive aggressive), these are genuinely my feelings on the subject.

There are, of course, exceptions to these things. A few ironclad exceptions that make the rest of the nonsense worth it. My partner. A handful of friends and chosen family I’m so lucky to have. You know who you are. I know who you are.

I’m so grateful for those people. If you had a clearer picture of my history, you’d know just how grateful I am. Suffice to say, my gratitude is overflowing for those people.

I cringe inside for allowing myself to rant; to be negative. I already worry of the repercussions, but F IT. At heart, I try my best to be kind, positive, and supportive. Sometimes I’m not feeling any of those things. Sometimes I need those things extended to me, too. Depression and anxiety are a hell of a pair, and combining those with my chronic illness of over 20 years…it gets difficult sometimes. More difficult than I let on to most people. Balance is an elusive thing to find. Perhaps friendships and relationships at large are too difficult for me; I feel overextended and unimportant.

Sometimes, I just don’t feel like being nice. I don’t feel like being a dick, but I also don’t feel like being nice.

If you are here and reading this, thank you, sincerely, for hearing me out and being supportive. I think I needed to release all these words to try and move forward. Let’s just imagine all those frustrating thoughts are like the air inside a balloon, and I’ve let the balloon go and now it’s zinging around the room and making that EEEEEEEEE fart noise as it thumps against walls.

I kind of like my difficult thoughts sounding like balloon farts.

Please reach out to a friend; you just never know what it might mean. Sometimes we all need a hand.

And that’s all I got.

Categories: musings

Tagged as: , , ,

4 replies »

  1. Hi Rebekah, thank you very much for the read – it’s always so refreshing to hear some genuine perspectives, rather the writing of a character.

    I don’t think you’re being negative because you’re feeling hurt and frustrated. Just because you are a nice person, does not mean you must pretend you’re not disappointed by others, sad, – or that you’re having a bad day/time of it. These things are mutually exclusive. The mean have bad days, and so do the good. It’s all about perspective and relativity.

    It’s difficult isn’t it? Because you’re not being nice to have someone be nice in kind, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t appreciated. Everyone enjoys kindness; even in the form of someone choosing to spend their time with us. Then when you see mean people who still have friend groups, or maybe even have more friends, you tend to consider (even for a moment), why am I even bothering?

    The truth of it is you’re bothering because it’s who you are. You would find it just as much if not more of an effort to be mean – because it goes against that which you choose to be, plus eventually you would have to deal with the guilt, which it appears misguidedly you are already struggling with.

    Ultimately, I am a stranger; and my opinion to follow may be of little value to you, but it should be said nonetheless. You seem like a perfectly pleasant person to me. If others are choosing not to spend their time with you, or reach out to you, do not concern yourself with it, because sadly, they are not concerning themselves with you. You cannot chose how people act, only how you react. You must come to terms with that which you can’t control.

    Instead, enjoy those you do have in your life. Take the time to make them feel special, because they are special to you, because you have removed negative people from your life, because they are negative on you.

    I hope these words help you in some way, and that you know that all of us who strive to be nice, are still allowed a bad day, and a means to ventilate.

    I also hope, your day shines a little brighter from here on out.

    Liked by 1 person

    • First of all: thank you for reaching out. That was entirely kind of you.

      I agree and you are right: it is all about perspective. And, again, I agree that I’m not being kind in hopes that others are kind back. There is no hidden agenda (I didn’t think you were saying there was, I was just clarifying). There are many times I genuinely have wondered why I am bothering. Sometimes I feel like I exist in a weird vacuum.

      And you are right again! It is who I am, for better or worse. Most of the time I embrace it, but sometimes I wish I was capable of saying F*CK IT and not caring. Alas, I haven’t been able to cease caring about, well, most anything, really.

      I know I need to come to terms with it. I don’t know why it’s so hard to admit some people who I care a lot about just don’t feel the same about me. I know admitting it (or not) changes nothing, so I don’t know why I’m so resistant.

      I am absolutely grateful for the people who ARE in my life. I couldn’t be more grateful, then somehow I am.

      Your words are like that bright shine coming through my grumble clouds. Thank you so much for reaching out and for your kind and thoughtful words. I have taken them to heart, indeed. <3

      I hope your day is kind to you.

      Like

  2. Hoo boy, I feel like I could have written this, so much of it was familiar.

    I, too, have experienced the “friends cutting off contact for no apparent reason” thing. In my case, I feel like I can probably attribute it to the fact I don’t have any patience for the current games press’ tendency to shame or otherwise treat the games I enjoy playing and writing about unfairly — and the fact that I’m not hesitant to speak up when I feel such things are happening.

    The “friends” (if I can still call them that) in question regularly berated me in my comment sections whenever I spoke up about this, but I’m not just going to lie down and take it when the journalists who are supposed to represent the medium I’m passionate about call me denegerate, pervert, filth, paedophile. If that makes them not want to be friends with me any more… I feel that is probably their problem, not mine!

    I can also relate to the desire to be a positive, pleasant person but still run into people who just don’t like you and want to treat you like crap at every opportunity. A former colleague from my time as a professional games journo is like this; I unfortunately and accidentally discovered he had been stalking my Twitter feed for some time and saying some extremely unpleasant things about me. He was swiftly blocked after the fact. Clearly no point trying to reconcile there — particularly as he’s somewhat notorious for stalking other people he doesn’t like with a much higher profile than me!

    And I can ALSO relate to the pondering over whether people like me… online I feel I have built up a good circle of friends, but most are too far away to make it practical to ever see them, and locally the friends I see semi-regularly are down to less than can be counted on one hand due to a combination of people moving away and/or disappearing off the face of the planet following them having children. And THOSE remaining friends are absolutely impossible to pin down and get to do anything sociable these days, which kinda makes me feel crappy when I’m making the effort to try and set up fun things for us to do.

    Anyway. You’re not alone in the feelings you’re describing. That probably doesn’t make you feel any better… but I can certainly relate!

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am sorry you can relate! I wish no one did, though I know I’m far from alone in these feelings.

      Social media is such a blessing and a curse; it connects us with amazing people, but they are often the better part of a world away.

      Being ghosted by friends is heartbreaking. I wish it happened to none of us. :(

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.