Sometimes I get tired of being nice. Sometimes I don’t feel like being nice.
This is a problem when I am generally nice by nature.
When you are nice, dumb things happen. You try to do things for others. You try to be there for others. You try to inject positivity where possible, but it doesn’t always balance out.
A lot of times it doesn’t balance out.
Something happened a few months back that threw me more than it should have. I’ve hesitated talking about it for whatever reason, but I still don’t know why.
Someone, someone who I considered a friend no less, someone who I’d never had so much as a negative word with, blocked me on Facebook. Okay, things like that happen. But I found out they blocked me because they felt I was consistently negative and was taking a toll on their mental health.
That messed with me.
I started asking myself the potentially difficult questions: am I too negative? Am I a drain on the mental health of others?
This got tricky because I always try to be positive for others, particularly online. I am always trying to do what I can, when I can, for others. I have been made fun of for being sincere and genuine (I’m not sorry for those two things at all). In the internet age of snark, I’d far rather go another way. It’s incredibly difficult to read tone online; when in doubt: I ask. This has lead to a lot of responses with the words “LOL” and “sarcasm” in them, but, again, I’d rather ask and clarify than assume anything.
I feel I’m often the one who is reaching out, who is trying to do thoughtful things, who is trying to be understanding of others’ situations.
I feel like most other people don’t think of me at all until they are reminded I exist.
I’m sure the truth lies somewhere in the middle, that’s just how it feels sometimes.
I’ve been in an increasingly terrible mood and have become weary of so many things. I feel ignored by so many people, people I’d consider friends. I feel unimportant to people, generally. Sometimes I wonder, if I didn’t try to do nice things for people, would anyone like me at all? I don’t do those things to be liked, but sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I didn’t do them and had never done them.
Part of me wants to say F*CK IT ALL, but the other part of me, the inherently (hopefully) kind part of me, takes over. I feel hurt by things that have happened recently, far more than the blocking nonsense. I only ever try to be kind but there are still people who don’t like me. I don’t need them to, nor do I want to put forth any effort to win them over (I think that would be the definition of futile), I’m just trying to reconcile it. I happen to live in a heavily tourist town, and many people come to the area, people who are friends, people who are like family, yet almost universally no one wants to get together. No one wants to take the time. Most of the time, they don’t even mention they will be here and it isn’t until later I find out.
That feels real bad.
I’ve had people basically say, it will be great to see you later! Not now! And that dredges up some old, old soreness of the heart. It feels bad. It makes me want to shut myself off.
And it happens fairly frequently.
There are people who post things about reaching out to those who need it. I’ve never been one to beat around the bush; the times I really need interaction, I will flat out ask for it. And where are those people? The people who are always singing the praises of reaching out?
I assume I’m generally unlikable and, honestly, I really believe it. I think the only things I have going for me are trying to engage people and being supportive of others. I have generally come to believe almost no one is actually interested in me as a person. This isn’t a passive aggressive plea to get people to say nice things about me (I loathe being passive aggressive), these are genuinely my feelings on the subject.
There are, of course, exceptions to these things. A few ironclad exceptions that make the rest of the nonsense worth it. My partner. A handful of friends and chosen family I’m so lucky to have. You know who you are. I know who you are.
I’m so grateful for those people. If you had a clearer picture of my history, you’d know just how grateful I am. Suffice to say, my gratitude is overflowing for those people.
I cringe inside for allowing myself to rant; to be negative. I already worry of the repercussions, but F IT. At heart, I try my best to be kind, positive, and supportive. Sometimes I’m not feeling any of those things. Sometimes I need those things extended to me, too. Depression and anxiety are a hell of a pair, and combining those with my chronic illness of over 20 years…it gets difficult sometimes. More difficult than I let on to most people. Balance is an elusive thing to find. Perhaps friendships and relationships at large are too difficult for me; I feel overextended and unimportant.
Sometimes, I just don’t feel like being nice. I don’t feel like being a dick, but I also don’t feel like being nice.
If you are here and reading this, thank you, sincerely, for hearing me out and being supportive. I think I needed to release all these words to try and move forward. Let’s just imagine all those frustrating thoughts are like the air inside a balloon, and I’ve let the balloon go and now it’s zinging around the room and making that EEEEEEEEE fart noise as it thumps against walls.
I kind of like my difficult thoughts sounding like balloon farts.
Please reach out to a friend; you just never know what it might mean. Sometimes we all need a hand.
And that’s all I got.