As many of you know, I’ve been doing some heavy lifting in the pondering category lately. I’ve been wondering about the trajectory of my writing. I’m not used to be confused in such a way, and it’s making my brain hurt. Literally.

I like writing. Do I love it? I’m not sure. Am I compelled to do it? Yes. Am I driven to do it? Also, yes. But things unfortunately aren’t that simple.

This morning as I was taking care of some things, I asked myself, “If I weren’t writing about games, what would I be doing?” The question isn’t a new one, and it came up close to this same time last year.

I won’t lie; this year feels a bit different. A bit more severe.

Back to questions.

Where would I be without games? Without gaming? Who would I be?

Fortunately, I’ll never have to know. Games have enriched my life and helped me test out mental skill sets I may never have otherwise developed. I have been able to literally get inside someone else’s shoes to walk miles and then some. I’ve seen experiences unfold through other people’s eyes. I’m already an empathetic person, but games have only increased this.

I value the experiences I’ve had.

Then I start diving deeper into the muck of the question: what would I be doing were I not writing about games? Would I be inside a theatre right now? Would I be backstage between acts? Would I be drinking tea in a dressing room instead of at my desk? Would the forms of discipline I adhere to for writing show themselves in similar ways? Would this dull ache in my chest finally be lifted?

I don’t fool myself that getting back into theatre would be easy; I’m sure it would be far from it. I am rusty with both singing and acting. I have not seriously danced in years. The last time I was on a stage performing it was 2005, over ten years ago. That’s so many years to be away from your greatest passion.

It wouldn’t be hyperbole to say it hurts each day to not be performing. I was never confused about theatre because there was never any question. I always knew it was what I HAD to do (yes, caps and italics were necessary). I went to great lengths to do the shows I did. I worked my a** off.

I’ve always believed if you are certain of something, a goal, that you should do whatever you can to reach it. Life is so short. And yet I’ve failed in my own advice.

I’d like to stop failing. I’d like to start succeeding.

(As a side note, things would be so much easier if someone just wrote a musical about video games already…)

I was recently in the car, singing along to a Carpenters song (“Yesterday Once More”), and it struck me how absurd it is that I’m not even trying to perform again. I beg of myself that I not let 2005 be the last time I reach that dream. I know exactly how that would feel: like the last decade.

I like writing. But my passion, my dream, my soul (whatever that is) has always been with musical theatre. The only place I’ve ever felt I belonged was performing. And recent events have only been showing me that certain things are worth fighting to make happen, and some aren’t.

I think this one is.

So while I am certainly going to keep writing, and still at the same clip, I’m going to start greasing the wheels of practice and see where I can take myself. If I get to be a writer, that would be amazing. But I also need to remain true to myself, and that’s what I’m hoping to keep doing.

With that I have an absolutely sincere question: what would you be doing if you were living (or working towards) your dream? What did you used to dream about? What keeps you from reaching for it? Or are you actively reaching?

Games, gaming, and writing aren’t going anywhere for me. I’m just bringing my musical theatre back. And we’ll see if I can make it (pardon the pun) sing again.

Good evening, friends. Thank you for being here. Cheers.