As many of you know, I’ve been doing some heavy lifting in the pondering category lately. I’ve been wondering about the trajectory of my writing. I’m not used to be confused in such a way, and it’s making my brain hurt. Literally.
I like writing. Do I love it? I’m not sure. Am I compelled to do it? Yes. Am I driven to do it? Also, yes. But things unfortunately aren’t that simple.
This morning as I was taking care of some things, I asked myself, “If I weren’t writing about games, what would I be doing?” The question isn’t a new one, and it came up close to this same time last year.
I won’t lie; this year feels a bit different. A bit more severe.
Back to questions.
Where would I be without games? Without gaming? Who would I be?
Fortunately, I’ll never have to know. Games have enriched my life and helped me test out mental skill sets I may never have otherwise developed. I have been able to literally get inside someone else’s shoes to walk miles and then some. I’ve seen experiences unfold through other people’s eyes. I’m already an empathetic person, but games have only increased this.
I value the experiences I’ve had.
Then I start diving deeper into the muck of the question: what would I be doing were I not writing about games? Would I be inside a theatre right now? Would I be backstage between acts? Would I be drinking tea in a dressing room instead of at my desk? Would the forms of discipline I adhere to for writing show themselves in similar ways? Would this dull ache in my chest finally be lifted?
I don’t fool myself that getting back into theatre would be easy; I’m sure it would be far from it. I am rusty with both singing and acting. I have not seriously danced in years. The last time I was on a stage performing it was 2005, over ten years ago. That’s so many years to be away from your greatest passion.
It wouldn’t be hyperbole to say it hurts each day to not be performing. I was never confused about theatre because there was never any question. I always knew it was what I HAD to do (yes, caps and italics were necessary). I went to great lengths to do the shows I did. I worked my a** off.
I’ve always believed if you are certain of something, a goal, that you should do whatever you can to reach it. Life is so short. And yet I’ve failed in my own advice.
I’d like to stop failing. I’d like to start succeeding.
(As a side note, things would be so much easier if someone just wrote a musical about video games already…)
I was recently in the car, singing along to a Carpenters song (“Yesterday Once More”), and it struck me how absurd it is that I’m not even trying to perform again. I beg of myself that I not let 2005 be the last time I reach that dream. I know exactly how that would feel: like the last decade.
I like writing. But my passion, my dream, my soul (whatever that is) has always been with musical theatre. The only place I’ve ever felt I belonged was performing. And recent events have only been showing me that certain things are worth fighting to make happen, and some aren’t.
I think this one is.
So while I am certainly going to keep writing, and still at the same clip, I’m going to start greasing the wheels of practice and see where I can take myself. If I get to be a writer, that would be amazing. But I also need to remain true to myself, and that’s what I’m hoping to keep doing.
With that I have an absolutely sincere question: what would you be doing if you were living (or working towards) your dream? What did you used to dream about? What keeps you from reaching for it? Or are you actively reaching?
Games, gaming, and writing aren’t going anywhere for me. I’m just bringing my musical theatre back. And we’ll see if I can make it (pardon the pun) sing again.
Good evening, friends. Thank you for being here. Cheers.
I’d bet there will be a musical about video games in the next 5 years. Could definitely see a mario or zelda one if nintendo ever licensed it.
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I’d be all over it. Or, hopefully, trying to be IN it.
I have been side stage for what feels like an eternity but I still dance when I can. I borrow the studio for a few hours or steal my living room for a moment or two. Choreography and dance keeps me balanced. I know the ache. I know I’m alive sometimes because I feel myself dying. Dramatic maybe, but honest. I have had the honor of hearing you sing and watching you perform. I have said before your gift must be shared. If you have this passion in you then you have to feed it or it will eat you. One painful bite at a time.
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I’m glad you still dance. I need to do the same, not that I’m remotely the same caliber as you.
I hope you find some way to perform again. And I hope I do, too. I can remember times rehearsing with you back in Germany and it makes me so happy.
I hope it brings you happiness Rebekah. I’ve mentioned my dream in the conversation we had last night, yours seems less far fetched though lol. I truly hope you can get back into it the way you used to be. The passion is obviously there and you can do a lot with that. You’re a very driven person and I can’t wait to see how far you take it.
Side note: wrote this using a phone on my break so it’s not exactly what I wanted to say but my time was short.
I have to try. I just have to. And I’m glad we talked about dreams last night. Yours does not seem far fetched! You never know until you try, right?
No worries! It came out perfectly well. And thank you.
This was a pleasure to read. I hope you find clarity in your next steps!
Thank you so much. I will continue working towards it. The fog must lift eventually, right?
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Yes! It will.
Love musical theatre! As a patron, of course.
Not sure how to answer your question really. In my youth I was passionate about fly-fishing, and wondered how I could segue that into a living. My passion for that has ebbed considerably over the last 10 years. I’m passionate about fish and have often thought about running my own aquarium store, may still attempt it in the coming years. I’ve recently discovered the joy of scuba diving, that would be a cool way to put food on the table. I don’t really know. The only things I can say I’ve been consistently passionate about for most of my life have been video games and building stuff. And I don’t think I’m really interested in making any money in a video game related way.
I guess I’m generally happy in the construction industry, but at some point I’d like to be able to be home more than one or two weekends a month. I still love the travel and being part of a specialized segment of construction, and that’s really at odds with wanting to be local. *shrug*
That’s an interesting point. I would have no idea how you would turn that into a career. Fly fishing I mean.
Life is weird. No matter what happens, I hope you are happy.