Here we are again. As I type these words, I honestly wonder what I’m doing. With each word, I feel like more and more of an embarrassment to myself; what am I even doing?
The last several days have been difficult. A lot of sitting in dark rooms and thinking. Some thoughts productive, some un; some that begat more thoughts and questions.
I don’t know what I’m doing and I almost always know what I’m doing.
So, in essence, I feel lost. LOST.
Right now especially, I don’t feel like writing. However. In four years I’ve never missed a day of my writing schedule. Over 700 pieces later and I’m still here. Until I’m sure, positive, that I don’t want to be writing anymore, I will still be here. Still writing. Still feeling like an embarrassment for even trying.
Momentum is a hell of a thing.
I suppose I should backtrack for a moment. Basically, at the end of last week, it became increasingly obvious to me that where I am now and where I want to be may as well be at opposite ends of the earth. The divide is too great and I’m not getting younger. I’m not a good enough writer. This made me question what I’m doing and why. It feels worthless and pointless.
So there you have it.
If it wasn’t already obvious, I haven’t played anything new (or even new to me) over the past week. E3 took up nearly all of my time, and when I wasn’t writing about it, I was (am) apparently having an existential crisis.
That’s not a fun game.
I’d love to say I will play something this week. I have no idea if that’s going to happen. I will consider myself lucky if I can make it through the week with a decent enough attitude. I’m working on it. I’m terribly fortunate that my partner is endlessly supportive and kind. And understanding. I may be in a hole, but I’m still grateful.
With that I ask, plead, really, what are you playing this week? Please tell me all about what games you have going on. I really do love hearing about it.
Today I will play the waiting game for the plumber to come fix our water pressure. It’s not a very entertaining game, but it is a somewhat necessary one.
And, if you are so inclined, please think a positive thought in my direction. I could use it now more than ever.