05/23/2019 • 23

This Is The End Of The Line

Edit: The conclusions I came to had been brewing for years. As I said in the piece, this is on no one but me. I had tried to be clear, but it looks like I failed at that, too. I’m sorry for anyone I upset or offended by trying to get honest and current.

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Yesterday, during the day, the years of my struggle with writing came to a head separate from everything else. I realized some things hard and fast (and unfortunately in public) and had what I can only describe as some sort of breakdown.

I believe I’ve been writing for the wrong reasons. Writing will not give me import, bring attention, or purpose. I’m not a great, or even good, writer. I could barely engage most of my own friends who love games and writing/reading. I could barely get people to interact when asking them questions about themselves and their interests. All of those are my own failings.

I had wanted so badly to connect with others. I’m so grateful for the times I was able to.

I was going to try to make it to 1,000 pieces written.

I tried so hard. You’ll never know how hard.

I kept failing but I tried.

A long time ago my dad told me some dumb analogy about putting your fist into a bucket of water; when you take your fist back out, the water goes back to normal. He made it clear I was the fist.

I kept failing but I tried.

I am a devastated and broken human being.

So this is it; the end of the line. If you ever came here to read anything, I’m so grateful. If we have ever interacted, I am so grateful. Please continue to support your friends’ dreams.

Lastly, I would be remiss not to thank my partner for supporting me and believing in me for all these years. Without his support and kindness, I’d never have made it this far.

I tried so hard.

Categories: musings

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23 replies »

  1. I usually read blogs in the morning so I don’t see things posted later in the day until the following morning. Some days I don’t have time at all but I always try to catch up. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to read your posts if I don’t read and reply that day. I’ve replied to your blog a few times.

    If you’re writing just to be important, you’ll probably be disappointed. Maybe be grateful for the people who do support you and for the growth you’ve already had. Some of us have a lot less followers than you do, I’m one of them but I’m not giving up.
    Sorry you feel this way.

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    • I very much understand things come up for people. And I made sure to thank every single person (that includes you) who had ever come here to read. It meant more to me than you know.

      As for the second part, I think perhaps you misunderstood my sentiment. Again, I made sure to say thank you because I sincerely meant it. I did this four times a week for nearly five years. I put in so much. I’m glad you’re not giving up. We are different people who struggle with different things. I’ve been struggling for years and have written about it.

      I’m sorry I’ve seemingly let you down with my honesty.

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  2. You know, when someone doesn’t post on schedule most followers assume life simply happened causing a delay. It would be rude to nag the writer about it instead of simply being patient.

    I’ve only been following you for a few weeks but this all seems like a pretty giant over reaction. Also there’s nothing wrong with writing because you like dong it for people who read it. That’s called being an entertainer. If you want to be done with your blogging, just be done. Don’t make it seem like the fault of people who like your content over a silly made up test no one knew was a test.

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    • You’re quite right on that front. But to assume this is an over reaction to one thing, in this case my experiment, would be the incorrect assumption. If you cared to look back at the years of my writing here, I’ve been struggling terribly with whether to write or not for years, but I kept going. Yesterday a lot of things became clear to me as a result of giving some serious thought to my motivations for writing. I think you misread what I wrote. I would never blame anyone but myself for my failures.

      Writing to me with this tone when I was trying to be honest on what is arguably an incredibly difficult day for me seems like an odd choice.

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      • Apologies if it came off as too harsh. I’m a pretty blunt person and I don’t think sugar coating is helpful or healthy. I’m new to the video game blogger sphere and I followed you because I really liked your writing on games!

        I just thought it was odd that you would interpret polite silence that likely would occur to any other blogger as a slight to you. No one is perfect so readers don’t mind when a blogger misses a post. If you stopped posting for multiple normal post days or weeks and no one noticed, now that I could understand this reaction to.

        The way you wrote yesterday and today, whether or not you intended, seems worded in a way that would make readers feel guilty. They didn’t notice and that triggered episode. It’s kind of a sour note to leave your readers on IMO.

        You posted publicly so I felt I was allowed to respond honestly. I apologize if it upset you. Please feel free to ignore. I hope you feel better about thing soon. :)

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  3. I can relate. So I decided to do what I want to do for myself or because I want to…not for/to please others. I still do things for people…but just on my own terms. I hope you keep writing but for you. It’s always nice to have validation from others but I hope you can find what you need inside yourself. I did after deciding this and it made things a lot better.

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    • I’m so sorry you relate to any of it. Hug. And I’m so glad you found a way to feel better. You give me hope.

      I started writing to connect with people and I’m so grateful for the times I was able to. I hang on to that.

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      • I do sewing and I made my BFF a quilt when she got married. We were friends since we were literally in the crib at church together and I was the only one she wouldn’t hit. The first one I ever made. It was expensive (very expensive for one who was working at KMart at the time plus funding a bridal shower, bachelorette, etc.). She cried when I gave it to her but I haven’t seen it since…she doesn’t have it out in her home. Doesn’t even bother to get it out when I visit about once a year (she lives out of state). I didn’t even see it in a closet. It hurts every time. So now, I sew for myself. Make things mostly for myself or for those who understand the enormous cost and effort. Now I know the things I make will be treasured.

        It is sad. But I believe you will find a way like I did.

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        • I’m so sorry. :( It’s even harder when it’s something you made especially for someone else. I am glad you and others treasure your work, truly. <3

          I'm not ruling out writing again in the future. But if I do, I need to be sure it's for the right reasons. I hope I find my way back.

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  5. Rebekah, I hope that whatever you do next with your time will bring you much joy.

    I admit, I didn’t read your posts as much as i should have, and for that, I apologize. You are a good writer, and I enjoyed your unique style. I hope that you still write, even if its simply notes to yourself or quirky and cute postcards to friends.

    I know some of how hard you tried, and I’m proud of you. That might sound kind of hollow, but it’s true. You pushed through a lot, and you accomplished more than you might realize.
    Each post is an accomplishment, a monument to your fight. Nothing can take that away.

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    • Aww, thank you, so much. <3

      I'm not ruling out writing again in the future, I just need to be sure if I do that it's for the right reasons. I'm hopeful, but I'm going to give it a bit of time.

      I'm still here. <3

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  8. What?! Say it isn’t so?! You’re done?! Wow! Whose blogs am I going to look forward to reading now? Especially with the upcoming E3 convention. That was what kept me interested in gaming; up-to-date. Whatever you do next in life; you enjoy it! I am going to miss you, my friend. Take care, ciao!

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    • I’m not ruling out writing again in the future, but if I do, I need to be sure it’s for the right reasons.

      I appreciate that so much, but we are still friends!

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  9. Rebekah: thank you for being here, & for sharing with all of us for as long as you have.
    I appreciate your words.
    This corner of Cyber Space, is so much bigger than a bucket of water. When your hand reacts with the water here, it creates ripples, do destinations you may never see, bounces & ripple again, & again, off people you may never meet.
    Toss a hand full of pebbles into a pond, or observe rain dropping into a puddle, that’s how I view your writing here.
    Thank you, for your writing, your style, & your wit.
    Much success to you on your next adventure. Keep a pen, & paper handy you never know when you may be inspired to write again.

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